So another day as the Gemini in myself gets to live out two different lives. Today I worked as salesperson extraordinaire. I smiled, I chatted, feigned interest in someones life, and then sold some things. It is exhausting to know that this has been a part of my life for so long. It is also exhausting knowing that I can be good at.
But its not me anymore, its something I do now to pay the bills. Maybe it makes me crazy but I would much rather spend my time researching a legal problem or going through pages on pages on financial documents to help others. But as long as I wait, as much as a pine to be accepted I continue to do what comes natural when my spotlight goes up.
In between what I used to so eloquently call "singing for my supper" I continually pace and obsess about where I could be next year-Check my email...nothing-My status checker...nothing, LSAC...nothing. As my email box fills up with sub-par law schools I begin to think about applying to them, maybe I'll go to Surf U or We Just Want Your Money University. At least they want me to be there. However, I am finding because someone wants you there does not mean you belong there. It is enough to make the strongest of us absolutely batty. The prospect of being finished, and almost being out of limbo is my light at the end of the tunnel. The thought eases the neurotic tendencies that are taking up residence in whats left of my mental capacities.
To finally have my own place again, and be able to grab a beer in my underwear at 8:00, all while having a jenga sized mountain of case law books on my desk. It is my version of a young man's dream. A metaphorical Jessica Biel goal. With that I end for another day. I am thirsty, but must head upstairs in jeans for now...
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Another hopeless day of nothingness
I read the MSU law blog today and decided to give this a try. It seemed so therapeutic to the students that wrote. I just hoped some of the anxiety, stress, and longing would go away if I put it down on paper.(to coin an phrase) I also know that I can write and this would give me an outlet, a slight reprieve from working as salesperson extraordinaire while also working part time as a legal assistant. Desperately wanting to provide for my family, desperately wanting to preserve a spot as a young lawyer with connections among the Wenatchee area.
To the antithesis to our brave lost protagonist, is the the whole spirituality/theology. The Christian "leave it in Gods hands" bullshit. If I left in Gods hands, I wouldn't be in this position. I would either be in Orlando, probably half divorced or on my way to it because I thought I could make the long distance work, or I would still be working as a salesperson. True the salesperson is a gracious and charming individual. He may have even helped shape what I think will be extremely valuable to helping clients. ( Bedside manner?) You would think seeing someone in a dressing room is their most venerable, but in fact its in front of a lawyer. I've seen it.
But I digress, the original premise of this paragraph was that I have made it to this point. I have decided to put myself through the LSAT, not once, not twice, but three God damn times to prove my point. I decided to leave my decent paying job for one that provided some sense on valor and security. I have met a old men's salesperson who is the greatest talker and gentle person I have ever met. All I take from him is how much he hates that all his friends are retired and he is still working. Still making wise cracks to the masses and wishing he could take a Monday and Tuesday off after having all weekend. He wishes he had a savings plan, wishes he could work part time, and is still gets beat up every time some asshole customer doesnt get his way. This to me is justification to what I do.
God didn't make this happen I did. If you are telling me that some way God had orchestrated this, then he would know that I would fight tooth and nail to make this happen. He would know that I would have the tenacity to find, and get and internship. He then would have to know that I would follow it up with a job in a field I never had any experience in. You would also have to explain why I would continually try, try and try to get in to a law school that wasn't celebrating their "10 years of excellence". Like son many evangelists, I want to get on my podium. For me though, the I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, I DID THIS, I WILL GET INTO LAW SCHOOL, AND I WILL FINISH." If this message falls on the devote I apologize, if this message reaches those who were instrumental in helping reach my goal again I apologize. For anyone else you know what I am saying...
For the first time since I stepped down from where I thought I wanted to be I have confidence in myself. I know where I am going and I know where I have been.(sounds like a cliche song lyric doesn't it) That's why I don't believe the noise. That's why I cant be quaint and pretend to care about what he said or she said about who gives a crap. I am providing for my family with both the old me( salesperson extraordinaire) and legal assistant ( I will be a lawyer, dammit). I am mildly social at best because I don't find 30 somethings interesting sitting in a room trying to explain away why they are so mediocre. I have met nobody within my age group in this retirement town. The only twenty somethings I have met have been at a wine walk-I have to ask is that this only social interaction my generation is good at?
So I sit here and write with with my wife watching some show about how much crap someone can fit into a room. Except for me its how much crap I can fit into my head. We have mildly little or no income which we can't seem to grasp. We have a BIG purchase next year God willing ( Contradictory, I know right) which may or may not happen. I am angry, frustrated, and hopeful. Its like meeting some girl just to find out she stringing you along to make sure your worth it. Sounds like how I met my wife. If that is what I will see when I look back on this journey, so be it. Most times she is worth the waiting. Most times she knows just what to do and say to make me happy. On the other days I just have to remember that she has put up with my crap too. On top of that we have made probably(Quite possibly) the most adorable, smart and genuine little boy I have ever had the pleasure to meet. Despite her trying desperately the wrong way for me to continue to stay positive, and hopeful, she is still there. As much as she comments that I should just believe, I say I do. I believe in her clutching my hand so I don't run my head into a wall because I have had enough. I believe in my son for reminding me that a mid bout of something silly makes you forget the things that don't matter.
I love you both, and please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop.
To the antithesis to our brave lost protagonist, is the the whole spirituality/theology. The Christian "leave it in Gods hands" bullshit. If I left in Gods hands, I wouldn't be in this position. I would either be in Orlando, probably half divorced or on my way to it because I thought I could make the long distance work, or I would still be working as a salesperson. True the salesperson is a gracious and charming individual. He may have even helped shape what I think will be extremely valuable to helping clients. ( Bedside manner?) You would think seeing someone in a dressing room is their most venerable, but in fact its in front of a lawyer. I've seen it.
But I digress, the original premise of this paragraph was that I have made it to this point. I have decided to put myself through the LSAT, not once, not twice, but three God damn times to prove my point. I decided to leave my decent paying job for one that provided some sense on valor and security. I have met a old men's salesperson who is the greatest talker and gentle person I have ever met. All I take from him is how much he hates that all his friends are retired and he is still working. Still making wise cracks to the masses and wishing he could take a Monday and Tuesday off after having all weekend. He wishes he had a savings plan, wishes he could work part time, and is still gets beat up every time some asshole customer doesnt get his way. This to me is justification to what I do.
God didn't make this happen I did. If you are telling me that some way God had orchestrated this, then he would know that I would fight tooth and nail to make this happen. He would know that I would have the tenacity to find, and get and internship. He then would have to know that I would follow it up with a job in a field I never had any experience in. You would also have to explain why I would continually try, try and try to get in to a law school that wasn't celebrating their "10 years of excellence". Like son many evangelists, I want to get on my podium. For me though, the I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, I DID THIS, I WILL GET INTO LAW SCHOOL, AND I WILL FINISH." If this message falls on the devote I apologize, if this message reaches those who were instrumental in helping reach my goal again I apologize. For anyone else you know what I am saying...
For the first time since I stepped down from where I thought I wanted to be I have confidence in myself. I know where I am going and I know where I have been.(sounds like a cliche song lyric doesn't it) That's why I don't believe the noise. That's why I cant be quaint and pretend to care about what he said or she said about who gives a crap. I am providing for my family with both the old me( salesperson extraordinaire) and legal assistant ( I will be a lawyer, dammit). I am mildly social at best because I don't find 30 somethings interesting sitting in a room trying to explain away why they are so mediocre. I have met nobody within my age group in this retirement town. The only twenty somethings I have met have been at a wine walk-I have to ask is that this only social interaction my generation is good at?
So I sit here and write with with my wife watching some show about how much crap someone can fit into a room. Except for me its how much crap I can fit into my head. We have mildly little or no income which we can't seem to grasp. We have a BIG purchase next year God willing ( Contradictory, I know right) which may or may not happen. I am angry, frustrated, and hopeful. Its like meeting some girl just to find out she stringing you along to make sure your worth it. Sounds like how I met my wife. If that is what I will see when I look back on this journey, so be it. Most times she is worth the waiting. Most times she knows just what to do and say to make me happy. On the other days I just have to remember that she has put up with my crap too. On top of that we have made probably(Quite possibly) the most adorable, smart and genuine little boy I have ever had the pleasure to meet. Despite her trying desperately the wrong way for me to continue to stay positive, and hopeful, she is still there. As much as she comments that I should just believe, I say I do. I believe in her clutching my hand so I don't run my head into a wall because I have had enough. I believe in my son for reminding me that a mid bout of something silly makes you forget the things that don't matter.
I love you both, and please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop.
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